First Love.

It's been 16 months. It’s funny really, it's not even been a year and a half yet but it feels like even longer..
I try not to let myself miss you, a task that, at times, I find completely impossible. I used to think of you everyday, now though the days you don't penetrate my thoughts are becoming more frequent. When I do think of you I wonder who you’re with and what you’re doing. I wonder if you miss me at all and if you ever think of me.

I remember how I felt when I was with you; unstoppable.
The warmth of your skin against mine, the taste of your lips… The way you had the ability to make me smile and laugh. The secret looks we’d exchange, and the way we’d get lost in each others eyes forgetting we weren’t alone...
I remember how I felt when I was with you; unworthy.
The way you'd make me paranoid. The way you'd lie. How you controlled me. The way I placed every single ounce of trust I ever had in you, and the way you broke me down. The way you'd make me cry.

The end was too difficult. It was too much. The unhappiness blurred any good times we'd ever had. So I did it.
I broke the last thing we had: your trust in me.
I didn't care. I wasn't remorseful.

We grew stale. We went from being completely in love; head over heels, passionate, intimate, kill-somebody-for-it, intense, mad love to hating eachother. To shouting and crying and talking each other down.

Sometimes I wish we'd had more time. That everything had gone to plan. Most of the time I want to thank you for the time we did have together, a task difficult now that we don't speak. Something I never thought would have been possible.

Our love story ended, leaving me cynical about investing that much time in someone again. About pouring that much of my soul into somebody else. About trusting again, but who knows.

Maybe one day.

Until then, there are micro pigs and puppies.

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Back in the Game

I haven't blogged for a while, a while being 2 whole years. I've missed it. It used to be my outlet for everything, but recently I haven't required it. That said, I probably need it now more than I ever did before. So. Here goes.

Love. It's meant to be the easiest thing in the world right? Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
I had that. Only my happily ever after was only really a year and a half. Because I screwed up like I always do.
Since then I've found 'love' to be a case of boy meets girl, boy shags girl, boy leaves and it is never spoken of again.
Maybe I'm getting a taste of my own medicine and the universe is punishing me with bad karma and all that jazz. But, to be honest, after eight months of this cycle repeating itself over and over again, every godforsaken student Wednesday, I'm starting to get a bit bored and frustrated.
I miss the intimacy. I miss having someone there to talk to whenever I need them. I miss cuddling, and laughing about stuff that only we'd find funny.
I thought I'd found someone to do this with, and to be fair they were filling the void that had manifested itself deep within me. But now I realise it's only skin deep. And that's all it'll ever be.
Now I'm faced with the dilemma of what to do. Do I continue with whatever this thing is that we've got going, and consequently most likely end up getting hurt in the long run? Do I cut it off now? And feel the pain now, get it over and done with quickly, and then miss out on the fun that we genuinely do have? Do I carry on pretending that I'm absolutely fine with this modern 21st century 'relationship' where on the outside everything's fine and continue to ignore the emptiness that lies beneath?
I don't know. I guess I live in false hope that this may turn into something more, although recent events have come to my attention which make it perfectly clear that it'll never happen.
I'm just rambling now. But that's how it is in my head. All jumbled up and confusing.
One thing is for certain though, weaving your way through the jungle that is 21st century dating is absolute hell.

Can you feel it?

It kind of take your breath away, doesn't it?
The history, the culture, the beauty.
Some may say that it's an urban wasteland, where evil lurks around every corner, a place where you can never feel completely safe... But I don't see or feel that.
The arquitecture, the hustle and bustle, the magic.
The beautiful, old buildings steeped in history combined with the newer, edgy edifices.
The sounds. Oh, the sounds. Cars, buses, trains, the chatter of people on their mobiles, the buzz of the City coming to life in the morning...
The bankers dashing here, there & everywhere, bashing into you with their briefcases. The students hurrying to make lectures. People returning home after a night out.
But it's not just rush, rush, rush. There is a peaceful tranquility to be found. You just need to open your eyes and let the City embrace you and welcome you with it's colourful arms.

This is It.

I've fallen. I’ve never felt this way before, that’s how I know this is something special. And you know what the best thing is? I'm fairly sure it’s reciprocated.
We haven't been together very long although it feels like a lifetime. When we’re together I feel safe & happy in a way that I never have before. I'm happier than I’ve been in a long time, possibly in forever.
He is the best part of my day, whether it’s a cuddle, a kiss or a little message, it has something to do with him.

I can see now that before I was foolish, before 'love' was mere infatuation, I was confused, young(er) & stupid.

I promise you, when it’s the real thing you’ll know.

You just know.

Give it a go..

I’m gonna try to stop complaining. I’m fed up of wallowing in self-pity. I’ve got no reason to be like that. My life is pretty perfect. Sure, there are things I’d change & things I’d like to happen that don’t seem likely but, on the whole, things are pretty good.
It’s easy to look at someone else’s life as an outsider & wish you were them, but the thing is you don’t know what’s really going on in that person’s life. On the outside things may seem perfect however scratch the surface and I’m convinced you’ll be surprised.
From now on I’m just going to enjoy myself. I don’t want to look back on these years and regret them. Sometimes you lose sight of what’s really important and what’s really in front of you. All you have to do is open your eyes, at the end of the day this is the life you’ve been given & you have to make everyday count.
Right now I’m happy. Really happy. And I have my brilliant family & amazing friends to thank for that.
I love you x

That November

I still can’t quite believe you’ve gone. You were taken way, way too early in the most unfair way. Thank you for making us realise how fragile life is and that we must live it while we still can instead of just letting it pass us by. I won’t let the bad overshadow the good, and I won’t be afraid of my feelings. I hope that wherever you are you’re okay and I’ll see you soon. That I’m sure of. Until then please keep an eye on us, especially B x

Recently I've been thinking, often we don't realise exactly what's in front of us.
Someone once said: As we strain to grasp the things we desire, the things we think will make our life better: money, popularity, fame... we ignore what truly matters... the simple things, like friendship, family, love. The things we probably already had.
I heard that quote the other day, and I was drawn to it's truthfullness. Sometimes I think we need to just sit down and take a minute to be thankful for what we have. We are often too quick to complain about how badly life's treating us right now, or how depressed we are, but I implore you to close your eyes and think. We say those things, but I honestly don't think we know their true meaning. As a nation, on the whole, we are the lucky ones. We aren't in the Third World, we have access to clean water and a health service, we aren't living in extreme poverty, most of us don't have to worry about where our next meal is coming from... Just take a moment to think. Is your life really THAT bad?
I believe that when life's getting you down, you mustn't let the bad overshadow the great. Look for the good things, it might take you a while to realise what they are but when you do, you'll come to see that they are the most important things. Things that quite often are so simple and taken for granted but are what truly matter.

Spring.



Love Me Then Leave Me.

We’re walking in the sand,
And you are holding my hand.
Your eyes are sparkling like the sea.
And I just see you and me ♥

-Laura Marling

Light & Shade.

I could fall at any moment. And who'd be there to catch me?
I feel like I'm suffocating, I just want to scream out to the world. There's a pain burning inside of me. I'd like nothing more than to just break down and cry, but I can't. I have to keep it together. I have to be strong.
Life can be so unfair, but what does whining about it achieve? Nothing. That's what. What right do I have to complain? I'm still here, you're not. You were taken from us before your time, but now you live through us. It's up to us to keep your fire burning and to find the light in the darkest of situations.

Escape.

My escape. It's so close now. It's in my grasp, I can almost taste it, it fills my heart with warmth and invades my thoughts until I find it hard to concentrate on anything else. It keeps me up at night, I lie there in the dark fantasizing about it. I find it hard to drift off now if I haven't thought about it.
I think it's imperative that I get out soon. This place is suffocating me. Day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year. One of the things that keeps me alive is the knowledge that one day soon I'll be gone. Out of this place. Away from these people. Living the life I should be.

Crashing.

If I was to leave this world, would anyone really miss me?
I feel alone. I know I'm not, I'm surrounded by people but they don't understand. No one knows what's going on in my head but me. Even the people who are closest to me feel a million miles away.
I am alone, a prisoner to my thoughts. And I don't know how to escape.

Wake me up inside..

-Aren't you scared?
-Yeah... Terrified.

I'm terrified of these feelings I have for you. I'm terrified of you not feeling the same. I'm terrified of many things, but losing you is by far the biggest fear of all.

You.

And just like that, just like that, it all started again.

One Boxing Day..

The floor, covered with snow.

The grass, poking through, dewy shoots pearled with water.

The lake, iced over.

The ducks, sliding, skating, scrabbling for bread.

The mist of children's breath, clouding the playground's air.

The steam, wafting out of cups of hot chocolate.

The rosiness of cheeks and noses, fighting the winter elements.

The secret smiles, the laughter, families reunited.

The perfect day..

Am I alive and living?
Or am I alive but merely existing?

My beautiful boy.

It's been  four years, but I still miss you as if it was yesterday.
Growing up you were my best friend, you made my childhood extra happy, and for that I'm eternally grateful. My memories are filled with times spent with you. Playing in the garden, water fights in the summer, the excitement you unleashed every Christmas and birthday, the way you used to snore, all these things and thousands more are stored forever in my mind.
I'd give anything to have you back for five minutes, to hug you once more and look into your big brown eyes.
I know you're not in pain anymore, and I know you're not suffering.
As long as we remember you, you continue existing.
You will always be a part of me and my heart will carry on loving you until it's last beat.

Sometimes we just need to open our eyes to the beauty that surrounds us.

Love & Hate.

To truly hate someone, you have to love them deeply, I think. Hate is such a strong emotion which runs parallel with love. "There's a thin line between love and hate." We often talk of hate without fully understanding it's true meaning and without feeling it's full power, and it is of love we also speak of in that sense. To care about someone so much and put so much emotion, energy and time into hating that person, I don't see the point. Wouldn't the world be a nicer, better and happier place if we channeled all that passion into love?